Into the unknown
I’ve been a fan of The Amazing Race for several years. I like seeing the different countries and challenges that the competing teams encounter on their race. In season 29, I saw a team go skydiving.
For them it was a reward, but for me it would be a dreaded opportunity to face my fear!!! The moment the camera showed the couple falling out of the airplane, I realized that they weren’t falling blindly through the air! They were actually each strapped in tandem to an experienced skydiver. Maybe, if you have to jump out of an airplane, jumping tandem is the best way to do it!
THE CONCEPT//
free falling
A couple of weeks later that image came back to my mind during worship on a Sunday morning. I was in the midst of a hard conversation with God.
Have you ever had one of those conversations?
I had been going through an emotionally difficult time. I had stepped out of leading our Kids’ Ministry at my church, I was stepping off the Vineyard USA Executive Team at the end of the year, and I was watching many of our church staff transition into new careers. There was a lot of change going on in my life!
All the change involved some type of loss, and I couldn’t see any future gain.
When I was completely honest with myself, I realized that my identity was floundering.
Who was I, if I wasn’t a leader? How could I turn over the role of dreamer and visionary to someone else, when I still carried so much passion? I would like to think that my self worth isn’t affected by what I do, but in that moment of honesty I realized, it is.
THE DESIGN //
one word can change everything
On that Sunday, May 21, 2017, I was complaining to God that during the past week there had been times when I felt completely disoriented. Emotionally, I felt like I was free falling.
As we worshipped, singing that old Matt Redman song, “Oh, No You Never Let Go”, I thought how could I even sing those words when I felt like God was not hanging on to me? I got as honest as I possibly could be and said to God, “if you are hanging on to me, why do I feel like I am falling?”
Immediately, I saw the picture of the Amazing Race competitors strapped in tandem as they went skydiving into a field. I heard a whisper in my ear,
“Becky, you are falling, but I’m falling with you. You are strapped to me.”
That small voice changed everything. Ok, I’m in a hard place, but I’m not alone, and I don’t need to be in control. God is in control. I can trust him.
He knows where I’m going, how I’ll get there, and when I’ll land.
THE GOLD//
endings are the seeds of new beginnings
So, here I am, sixteen months later. I’m still in transition. Not only have I stepped down from ministry roles that I loved, but I am continuing to step down. Now I’m giving up my senior leadership role in the Vineyard Church my husband, Rick and I started 36 years ago. I’m giving up my voice to set the course of the church. I’m giving up the honor of architecting the space for people to encounter God and experience radical life change. Instead, I am choosing humility. I’m choosing to be in the background and raise up the next generation and champion their voice.
What I’m beginning to see is that I’m back where I started. Saying yes to whatever God has for me, with no guarantees of what the future will look like.
I’m that elementary school teacher giving up her 2nd grade class to move far away from family and what’s familiar, and becoming a substitute daycare provider. It’s an adventure just like it was 36 years ago when we moved from California to Colorado to start our church. (to read more about the beginning of our story, check out the May blog post Living the Adventure)
John Wimber, the founder of the Vineyard Movement, used to tell us that the cost of following Jesus never changes….
“It will always cost you everything! The more you have the greater the sacrifice.”
-John Wimber
I’m confident of this, one thing that will never change is that my “Yes” belongs to God.
Whatever the sacrifice, whatever the cost, I will not stop pursuing the dreams of God, even though what lies ahead of me is a scary open space of unknown.
Maybe, just maybe, by May 2019, when we officially step down from leading our church, I’ll have landed and I’ll see a picture of what the next leg of the journey could look like. And maybe, just maybe, it will be an exciting adventure again!
So here I go. Into the unknown. Free and falling.
And in the midst of it being absolutely terrifying, there is no place I’d rather be than in the middle of His dream for my life.
Because sometimes the very thing that we think is the end, is really just seed for the start of something new.
The best is yet to come……